Mimpi-mimpi

Semalam aku bermimpi, mimpi indah,  tentang anak-anak.

Di mimpiku, anak-anak masih kecil banget. Bahkan Greg masih harus digendong. 

Mereka bertiga volor coordinated putih dan krem yang begitu cemerlang. Wajah-wajah mereka berselubungkan keceriaan bagai matahari. Dan aura mereka penuh senyum dan tawa.

Mereka bertiga menunggu kita berdua pulang setiap kali pergi, dengan wajah berseri-seri. Kita adalah pusat dunia mereka. Dan aku merasa, dalam mimpi itu, aku merasa sangat bahagia. 

Kasih sayang tulus yang sederhana dari anak-anak untuk kita, mungkin tidak bisa dirasakan saat mereka beranjak remaja. Apalagi ketika mereka berangsur dewasa.

Mungkin manusia memang diciptakan untuk selalu melihat ke depan,  masa depan, moving on, going forward.  Bagi kita, anak-anak adalah masa depan itu.

Seiring mereka dewasa, mereka pun sibuk dengan masa depan mereka sendiri. Mengejar mimpi dan cita, meraih asa.  

Berharap mungkin sesekali mereka menoleh kebelakang untuk melihat kita. Kita yang sudah menjadi masa lalu. Usang dan redup. Kalah oleh daya tarik lain yang lebih gemerlap.

Yang dulu menanti, kini berbalik dinanti. Yang dulu ditunggu, kini harus menunggu.

Sampai kehidupan melaju terus, meninggalkan jejak setapak kita di pasir basah. Sebentar lenyap di sapu ombak pantai.

Cibubur, 22 Agustus 2021

Perpisahan

Perpisahan, meski hanya sementara, selalu menyimpan duka. Terlebih saat perpisahan ini adalah final dan selamanya. Duka makin dalam ketika yang pergi adalah orang yang teramat dekat di hati kita.

Dan puncak perpisahan adalah kematian. Walau kita sadar bahwa semua kehidupan akan berakhir dengan kematian karena kehidupan dan kematian adalah bagian dari siklus kehidupan. Kita tidak akan pernah siap dengan perpisahan karena kematian, karena maut abadi terasa begitu mencekam.

Karena ekspektasi manusia lahir, dewasa, tua, dan wafat, saat kita kanak-kanak, kita memaklumi generasi kakek nenek kita meninggal. Saat kita beranjak dewasa, kita memaklumi generasi orang tua kita meninggal.  

Namun untuk beberapa orang, siklus kehidupan kadang berakhir singkat. Dan kita tidak akan pernah siap bila generasi anak-anak kita berpulang mendahului kita.  

Kemarin, kabar duka itu datang dari sahabat. Berupa pesan singkat. "James has passed away". Singkat tetapi mengejutkan. Karena 3 minggu sebelumnya, kita sempat makan malam bersama dengan keluarga mereka. Aku dan anak lanangku. 

Pun seminggu sebelumnya, sepupuku memberi kabar bahwa putranya sekelas dengan James. Dan siang sebelum berita duka itu datang, ayah James masih mengatur mini reuni karena ada teman kuliah yang pulang ke Indonesia. 

Mama James memakai istilah "we were caught off guard" dengan perginya James. And all of us got hit big time. 

Kesedihan dan air mata yang tertumpah pun seakan bukan hanya mengiringi James, tetapi juga banyak jiwa lain yang dying young. Dan rasa duka ini seakan tak pantas dirasakan dan orang tua James jauh lebih berhak. 

Tetapi saat Mama James menulis ini di WA: 

"In all religion we all know about "nothing last forever" in Budhism we call ANICCA...eventhough IT HIT ME SO HARD...I learn, accept and LET HIM GOO wih ALL MY LOVE🙏🏻🙇🏻♀" I know that everything is gonna be alright... 

Because to LOVE is to LET GO... 

Selamat jalan, James, doa dan cinta kami mengiringi... and remember... YOU ARE LOVED... ALWAYS.. 

Cibubur - Jakarta - Surabaya 

23-25 Juli 2018

Empty Nest and the Two of Us

Time passes by so fast while heart changing so slowly...

Senin kemarin, gue officially a Mom of 2 high schoolers and 1 middle schooler. It seems that it was just only yesterday I was carrying my pregnant tummy.

Kemarin sempat baca artikel yg di share Cindy Kristanto Rustandi that echoes her anxiety of being left by their children to college. And it means for me, the time will come too, pretty soon.

Meanwhile, I still have sometime to spend with them under my wings (okay, okay...  I admit it was more gelambir lemak than wings).

But tonight Jo went to sleep at school for orientation. And Adel also stayed overnight being new student committee member. 2 kids gone. And the house feels so empty. No wonder they called it empty nest... with much emptyness...

And Greg too, although showing up to check on me every once in a while, the frequency has decreased much since he tried to behave like a big kid.

We are too absorbed and engrossed in taking care of our kids growing up, that we forgot what it was like not being a parents.

We often threw joke that we're too old for clubbing, midnight movieing, going to concert, while we just try to reason and makes excuses of our inability to leave the kids on their own. Or may be it's our need to get more sleep.

After we have kids (and the baby blues passed), we found that everything is better with the kids around. And realizing that one by one will fly away from us is a scary thought.

May be this is a good time to rethink and reshape what we are before we are parents, what we can do without the kids.

It's not to late, is it?

Malaikat Tanpa Sayap

Jakarta yang diguyur hujan nyaris tiap hari menyisakan genangan, macet, dan satu kisah tentang malaikat tanpa sayap.

Kemarin sore, suami sudah menanyakan ke anak gadis, kira2 pulang jam berapa. Saat itu jam mendekati 16.00 dan dia bilang masih di area sekolah karena mengikuti persiapan Defile. 

Sampai 17.00 komunikasi anak gadis menyatakan dia masih di sekolah dan 'Daddy duluan aja' karena sang ayah ada appointment di RS Mitra Keluarga.

Karena aku posisi lagi di Surabaya meeting, maka yang bisa aku lakukan hanya melihat message berseliweran di group Line keluarga. Pasrah. Walaupun sambil deg2an karena semua tetangga mengatakan macet gila2an dari Jakarta menuju ke rumah.

Sampai 18.00 dia bilang belom mendapar Go Car karena selain jadi mahal (biasa 80rb jadi 200rb), juga karena hujan, gak ada pengemudi yang bersedia mengangkut mereka. Sampai 18.30 kondisi masih sama.

Malam merayap makin gelap, anak gadis sekolah jauh, baik GoCar maupun GrabCar belom ada tanda2 muncul. Taksi konvensional apa lagi.

Sampai akhirnya aku berkeluh kesah di group ibu2 lingkungan, bahwa anak gadis masih stranded di sekolah.

Serta merta ada salah satu ibu muda yang menyatakan, "Saya kena macet di Antasari. Aku belok deh, ke Pejaten. Menurut waze 20 menit lagi sampai."

Singkat cerita, jam 19.00, ibu muda tersebut mengangkut anak gadis beserta teman2nya, total 4 anak SMA. Saat itulah aku yakin, bahwa Tuhan menurunkan banyak sekali Malaikat Tanpa Sayapnya di dunia ini. Yang memberi bantuan tanpa meminta balas.

Semoga Tuhan menjaga malaikat2 tanpa sayap ini, dan kita pun suatu hari dimampukan untuk menjadi malaikat tanpa sayap, walau tanpa menyadari bahwa kita malaikat.

18 Oktober 2017

Goodbyes

The only certain things about lifes are "goodbyes".

We met each other, or know someone, became very close and eventually saying goodbye.

Same goes with parent||children relationships.

When the baby was conceived and carried, the baby is 100% depend on his/her mom. Then they were born. A little goodbye from the womb that coccooning the embryo to safety.

When the baby started to go to school, those tiny little hands wave you goodbye upon entering the classroom, and you go home to an empty nest (or some refuse to go home and waited outside class).

Don't we all hate goodbyes?

I still remember the first fieldtrip when my youngest was in PlayGroup, he's looking out from inside the bus window's, smiling proudly that he will go alone without me, waving his hand in the air and I feel that my eyes became wet.

Proud that he is so confident and happy (who doesn't?). Sad because he reached another level of competence that later will prepare him to be detached completely from us.

As time goes by, these little separations became norms for our simple life, campings, retreats, leadership trainings. Waving goodbye became more chores than a saddening events.

Then there are summer camp abroad. And we have to wave goodbyes at the airports, where they anxiously but enthusiastically  and curiously wants to explore beyond this shore, just like Moana in Disney Movie.

23 days without seeing them, hearing their voice, listening to their stories, and (this is true for my 2nd child) not scolding and keep reminding them is tough, as if a piece of this family is missing. Indeed. But it is necessary practice for the future and bigger goodbyes, I believe.

Then this week, I need to set my eldest to go with minimum comfort for school camping, well I knew she will survive. She is a fighter just like me.

Realizing that we have much more goodbyes ahead. May be when she go to University, or later get married... I cannot thank God enough of my limited time with them.

And all this will prepare us for the eternal goodbye... when God's calling us to return to His home.. I sincerely hope that my children are so ready to fly away and spread their wings, or already did, before my final closure.

Final goodbye...

Cibubur, 11 Oct 2017

A Letter to My Daughter

Dear Adeline,

There's a proverb saying that

"A daughter will hold your hand for a little while , but will hold your heart for a lifetime"

And you couldn't believe that it's so true. Not until your heart captured by mini-me replicas in a breathing living  body.

You knew I've loved you before I met you.. and no.. this is not Savage Garden song. Although .. yeah .. I admit that I copy this line from that song.

Since the first time you were just a tiny blip inside my womb, since the first heart beat in that black USG monitor in that cold obgyn's room, I knew that you capture my heart, my mind, my life.

The day you were born, I cried my heart out. Because your detachment from my womb is predestined like ending of Holywood movie. Like a part of me is separated from my life.

Breastfeeding was a nightmare for both of us at that time. Not because we don't enjoy it. But because since our birth as female, we have to succumb to sets of value that was predetermined by society standard. How much the milk flow, became the impossible indicator of success of being a mom. And it stresses me out. Purely because I want to be the best for you. The best mom. The best caregiver. The best nursing mom.

And I knew deep down that what we've felt then is only a beginning of other sets of rules.

How people blatantly sets beauty standards to not 80% of real female, but that 1% of crafted and photoshopped image of women.

How women intelligence is considered intimidating. And what kind of dress they wear will determine their value.

You will be flooded with false attention of boys with their hormones, and some of other females are bickering over a boy like hens over cock. And you will be faced with other mother values that the success of a women is based on how rich she can get a husband. Even if it is second wife or even just a mistress.

You will face opinions that women's place is in the kitchen. And never outside the house. That women's is at her best when she give up her dreams for a greater good of men's dream.

But NO... I will not raise you to be such a woman. I will raise you to be smart yet humble, knowledgable yet grounded, independent yet kind, reflective and internalized many things without boasting.

And there will be time where you will go out there and spread your wings, and leave this tiny nest, face the world alone without being lonely. And I will not try to keep you in my nest, because when the time comes, the world will be your huge nest, and all human will be your brothers and sisters. I will train to make your wings strong enough for the fiercest wind.

At the same time I will train my heart to willingly seeing your back while you face the wide world and catch the wind that leads to your dream...

Because loving someone is setting her free...

Happy 15th Birthday, dear Adeline...
You will always be in my prayer, and forever in my heart as my little brave but kepo princess.

Mama Go Blog Strikes Back

Udah lama banget gue gak update blog ini sejak anak gadis nangis diolok2 temen-temennya di sekolah. Nangis karena dibilang Mama Goblog.. well mereka salah sih... harusnya "Mama Go Blog: bukan "Mama Goblog"... tapi you cannot expect orang goblog untuk tau bedanya antara dua hal tersebut kan?


Well... sometimes parenting is a unique thing... dan anak-anak berkembang terus seiring dengan bertambahnya usia.

Seperti juga anak gadis sekarang lebih tenang dengan blog ini... walaupun ... tetep... foto-foto yang diupload di socmed harus sudah pre-approved... karena takut foto-foto aib tersebar (mungkin just in case suatu hari dia jadi President biar gak bisa jadi kampanye negatif).

On the other hand, gue tau, dia dan teman-teman aibnya, justru membuat alter account di socmed yang isinya aib semua... (paradox atau munafik?)

Ya, gitu deh... welcome to 2nd wave of Mama Go Blog dan selamat membaca kegoblokan keluarga ini...